Tuesday Confession

I hate my job.

I realize this is not exactly an original opinion. A good number of people hate their jobs, I know.

Brace yourself for another completely unoriginal thought.

It’s just that I spent far too much time, put in far too much work, and racked up far too much student loan debt to be working at a job I hate. Lots of people are in the same boat, right?

I think I’m suffering from the fear that I chose the wrong thing. More than once. See, I have a completely useless bachelor’s degree. One of those that you can’t really get a job in unless you continue on to [even] higher education. I sat around with that degree for a year and a half or so before deciding to try something else. Something pretty much unrelated. After finding out that I would need a second bachelor’s degree before I would be able to apply to graduate school, I decided to push forward anyway. I got the darn second [useless, on its own] bachelor’s degree. And this past May, I graduated with the coveted Master’s degree in my chosen field.

And I searched and searched for a job.

A big part of my problem--and I’m aware of this--is that I am not willing to move. I’m happy living where I am right now. So I am limited in my search radius.

I ended up settling for a job in a setting I have no desire to work in. I knew that when I took the job. But I was feeling a little pressured to just accept a job, already. Part of that pressure was coming from my ownself.

I thought I would start the job and it would grow on me, and people corroborated this. People in my field told me, “I so didn’t want to work in that particular setting, and I cried every day for a month, but I ended up loving it/liking it/dealing with it.”

Maybe I haven’t given it enough time. I started about two and a half weeks ago. But I cry every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I feel like I’m just going through the motions. It feels like nothing I am doing is benefiting the people I am supposed to be helping.

I’m not getting used to it. I’m not feeling any more comfortable.

If only there were one or two aspects of the job that I could look forward to [other than the paycheck yes I KNOW, yes I AM grateful to just have a job, yes I AM thankful for the good amount of money I am paid for this job, good grief stop POINTING THAT OUT, PEOPLE I KNOW], I think it would be more bearable. But it’s a) in a setting I have never had a desire to work in, b) with a population I have never had a desire to work with, and c) a lot of driving every day.

The driving is partly because the job requires some travel [30-45 miles per day between 2 or 3 facilities, depending on the day], and partly because the job is not exactly near where I live. I have to drive over an hour every morning just to get to the first place for the day. And I have to drive over an hour every afternoon to get back home. That, added with the travelling I do between facilities during the day, is a lot of driving. It got old after the first 3 days.

I am in a position where I pretty much have to keep this job for the next 9 months to a year. Finding a new job would create a new set of problems. That hasn’t stopped me from looking. Sometimes I think the new set of problems would be worth it.

So. I am trying to suck it up and just deal with this job for the time being. For the most part I am doing it quietly. I have a few close friends that I vent to, and of course my boyfriend gets to hear all about it every night. But even some of those close friends—friends I thought I could share my actual feelings with [as opposed to just saying “fine” when asked how the new job is going], have pointed out the things I mentioned earlier: “Well, at least you have a job!,” “Doesn’t the paycheck make it worth it?,” “Well, there’s not much you can do about it, just get over it.”

So I am confessing here, on my blog. And then I will try to deal with it silently. When asked how I like the job, I will lie and say it’s good. Only a select few will hear my true feelings.